I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
