Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
