i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
