i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
