how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
