I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
