Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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