flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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