I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
