Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
