even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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