JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
