my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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