I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
