my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
