um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
