My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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