i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
