I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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