Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
