i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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