The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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