I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
