i will never coherently bang her
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
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We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
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You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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