Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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