He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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