Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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