my mouth tastes like poor choices
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
