The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
