If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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