I love how my cats smell like pot.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
