My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
