Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
