White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
