I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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