I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
