I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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