I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
