I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
