if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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