she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
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We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
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After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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