I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I lost the right to judge tonight
Randomize
