She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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