I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
