I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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