I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I smell stomach acid.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
