My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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