420 ftw
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
