This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It's just like the Real World with babies
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
this hospital has no fireball
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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