Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
