No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
