3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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