I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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