Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
